A Scary Thing Called Love in China

In China many young girls dissatisfied with the traditional Chinese man are seeking a foreign boyfriend, love and eventually a husband. In this article we will examine some typical case studies as seen in counselling sessions where young women come to seek solace, explanations and support after breakdowns from relationships with foreign men. To protect the identities of the clients some details have changed and names but the essential psychological trauma are common.

So why do many Chinese girls want foreign men? To answer this would take an article in itself so here I will just precis a short over-view. (See Dr. Myler's article the Chinese Patient) First many of these girls come from the main cities of Beijing, Shanghai, Wuhan and Guangzhou (we discount Hong Kong as it is too Westernised) they have been exposed to a variety of Western media, movies, magazines, fashion and life-style influences. This media show the Western men as romantic, kind, supportive, handsome, sexual and strong, all very appealing attributes to many young girls ideas about Mr. Right. The Western men they meet daily in China are however not typical of the average American, Englishman or Europeans but are the educated, from higher social classes, above average income and alone in China for the most part. If you add these two elements together you get a good idea of how Chinese girls view Western men as something special. However as in cognitive dissonance they tend to ignore all the warning signs that they would normally associate with other relationships. In the West we would phrase this as rose-tinted-glasses or the "Halo Effect". Also most Chinese girls are less mature than similar aged girls in the West. They tend to have less experience with men in general and no sex education at school. It is amazing to ask even basic questions about pregnancy and sex and find they are unclear, confused and ignorant of even the basics of protection and disease. (Speaking to a 24 year old here is like talking to a 15 year old in the West - that is the best analogy for their maturity). In conclusion you may ask why they do not want to be with a Chinese man. Most have already had boyfriends finding that on average Chinese men are too traditional, controlling, uncaring and put their mother before the wife or girlfriend in all things. So with disappointments already in their mind they go off and seek the ideal Western man who they think will deliver them from their unfulfilled lives. One other important aspect with age is social pressure in China for a girl to marry before she is 26 years old. If they miss this deadline, then parents, friends and others all start a fear process of men will not want old women (they mean 30) and your babies will die if you have them too late. Of coarse this is all a non-sense in the modern world, but the girls all seem to believe beyond doubt that is you are 27 and above you have no chance of a good marriage. So many almost panic and marry the first man who asks - even if love is not in the equation. They quickly have a baby and then tell everyone how miserable they are in a love-less marriage with a man they can barely stand to touch them. Sad but often true here in China. So for these older single girls, Western men who care little about their age seem like manor from heaven.

The Scenario:

Most girls find a Western man in five distinct ways, first the work-place, many International companies set up offices in China to take advantage of cheap labour, inexpensive rents and huge potential home markets. Along with this they send their Reliable Escort service in Manhattan  managers and staff to guide the Chinese workers in their practices. Many Chinese want to work for foreign companies as the pay is higher on average and have better working environments. The second is the teachers, at language schools, universities and other educational outlets the native speaking teacher is king. Teachers tend to be more out-going, confident and have a charisma that young girls do not usually see in their own teachers. Third is the club scene where young Western men, on short-term contracts, are looking for entertainment and company. Fourth the bars, much like the clubs but more relaxed atmosphere and less noisy. Finally the fifth and most popular way of meeting Western men is the internet. Chat sites and dating sites are in the hundreds here. Many girls from 18 years to 100 looking for Western boyfriends via this medium. Often with little of no English except written, so even when they arrive for that coveted date they cannot communicate sufficiently to make an impression. So with all these ways of meeting Western men why are so many of the girls frustrated by not finding a suitable man or date? Here we have to break the myth of Western men in the eyes of Chinese girls.

The Myths

The first myth concerns money, most Chinese girls think western men are rich. This is because on average even a teacher in a low income school will earn three times the monthly average of a Chinese teacher. However in many companies the foreigner is paid via his home-office at the rate he would be paid in the normal home position. In this case he will be earning considerable income compared to a Chinese worker doing the same task. This gives the false impression to girls that the man is wealthy at home. However for most foreign workers here at home they are middle class at best and many of course just working men. At home they would in a social scale of income be lower to middling at best. (I exclude the businessmen here). So while in China they can afford the best apartment, the best restaurants and clothing - at home this is clearly not the case in general.

The second myth is handsomeness. When you first come to China as a man the first thing you see is hundreds of pretty, delicate girls who are like spring flowers. In time familiarity tends to tone this down by noticing many are far too thin for western tastes, many have pock-marked faces and bad complexions. Then you begin to discriminate between the ok, the pretty and the beautiful. This is a natural process of becoming familiar with any race. So you have to imagine this in reverse, the Chinese girls tend to think most foreign men look handsome, however because the exposure is quite small and limited - they do not tend to become so familiar to them from a perception point of view. So they continue to see most of them as handsome, even though to the Westerner's eyes the attractiveness seems to be an illusion. However if enough pretty girls tell you, you are handsome - then you may start to believe it. Often that calls for a dose of reality on the part of the man to stop vanity taking over your thinking.